Question:

“I just found out about my husband’s year long affair with a much younger woman than me. I’ve been doing some digging and I’ve come across texts and letters between them that indicate he was quite committed to her and their relationship and I think he developed some deep feelings for her.

However, at this point he’s begging me to stay with him and not leave him because he wants to salvage our marriage. Things are really rough between us and he doesn’t show me much affection or remorse for his actions despite what he’s saying. Deep down inside I really want to save my marriage and I still care for him but I don’t really think he loves me.

I’m terrified to ask him how he really feels about me after reading all the texts and letters that they sent each other. I just don’t know what his answer will be. Should I just get it over with and ask him? I’m not sure what to do next?”

Answer:

It’s understandable that one of the biggest concerns that women have after the affair is how their husbands feel about them. Even when their world has been rocked and turned upside down most women secretly fear that their husband’s have stopped loving them.

It May Be Too Soon After The Affair To Tell

After the affair, it’s totally normal for people to have questions and want answers. Infidelity is a huge blow to a marriage and no doubt you want to evaluate things to see where they’re headed. And so maybe and immediate answer to your questions will help to relieve some of the worry and pain you’re going through right now.

However, what we fail to realize is that it might be too soon for answers. Keep in mind that emotions are still tender and everything is still a little cloudy after the affair and also people’s emotions towards each other change drastically as time progress. So while one person may be kicking themselves today, that may change in a few weeks or months. Husband’s may claim they don’t love their wives but as time moves on these feelings can easily change and so can yours.

Judge Your Husband’s Feelings Towards You By His Actions Over Time

It’s understandable from the question that the wife feared the answer she was going to get because she didn’t want to get emotionally rejected from her husband, so it wasn’t worth it to push the issue with her husband. What’s important to understand here is that even though after an affair, things seem chaotic and you don’t feel like you have any control about the future, feelings and emotions usually work themselves out over time.

In certain cases, pressing the issue and demanding answers in our own time can actually hurt our position and make things worse. However, if asked, chances are your husband would tell you that he still loves you, after all, he told you he wanted to save the marriage. If however, you’re still feeling uneasy about asking your husband whether or not he still loves you then don’t do it. In any case, the answer will come with time.

Words can be manipulated and misunderstood. If you want to truly see how your husband feels about you watch what he does, not what he says. You need to give things time, in the coming weeks and months your husband’s actions will speak loudly and clearly and tell you more than his words ever could. So in the event that you’re concerned with how your husband feels towards you, watch your husband’s actions over time. If your husband truly loves you, he’ll hang in there and be there for you when you need him.

What If My Husband Tells Me He Loves Me But Is Still Not Showing It?

If you ask if your husband loves you it’s likely that he’ll tell you he does. But what happens if he still isn’t acting like he loves you? What do you do then? Nearly all women typically think much the same way about this issue: ” he said he loves me but he’s so distant and won’t show me any kindness. He doesn’t act like he loves me and he always looks so angry whenever he looks at me. Anytime he does this I question if he really loves me at all?”

I understand your concerns, but if the affair is still fresh for both of you your lives will be filled with doubt and uncertainty because you’re dealing with two people who’s lives have been destroyed and need to be rebuilt. There’s a good chance that the anger and frustration you think your husband feels towards you is really directed towards him.

In most cases after an affair, men tend to distance themselves from everyone because they are embarrassed and ashamed with themselves and don’t know how to deal with the after effects of an affair.

Your man might not know how to express himself emotionally and wants to keep from feeling vulnerable and so he shuts down instead. As a result you interpret this as him not loving you which isn’t necessarily the case.

The key to forgiving infidelity and getting your husband to open up about his affair after he cheats is to not make him feel like he’s going through an interrogation process. Instead, try a more understandable approach when you talk with him. It will keep your stress level down and you’ll get the answers and closure you so desperately want and need.

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